theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
