I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
