i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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