He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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