its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
