It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
