I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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