Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
