i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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