Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
