Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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