cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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