I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
