I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
