Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
