i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
