So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
