And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
