I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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