glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
