I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
