I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
