You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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