1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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