Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
