yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
