Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
