And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
