Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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