A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm too high and old for this...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
