When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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