....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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