Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
