I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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