his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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