it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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