Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Can Purell be used as lube?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
