If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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