If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
