Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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