you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
