you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
