dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
