Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
