When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
