Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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