I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
