I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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