Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
