life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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