i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
