If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All the doctor said was why
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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