He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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