Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't shave. On purpose
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
