Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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