no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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