I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
