sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
