Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
