I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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