This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
