I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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